I awoke this morning shortly after 7 A.M. and laid in bed, scrolling Instagram for a few minutes. I have grown accustom to being a productive member of society and starting my day like the rest of the Monday to Friday business crowd, except I no longer have anywhere to go.
I drank a cup of coffee while I wrote in my journal before getting dressed and brushing my teeth. I picked up a pair of jeans from the floor of my closet and squeezed into them. They still comfortably fit so all the emotional eating I have been doing hasn’t caught up yet. I thought about running my flat iron through my hair and putting on make up but I decided not to. I don’t usually wear a lot of make up day-to-day to begin with and my hair thrown up in a messy ponytail was fine for today.
I took a cup of coffee to the computer that I had set up as my work-from-home station in my yoga and reading room. I have a lap top that I usually use at the dining room table but I have left it for Calista to use for school work. I decided to leave the computer in my room so that I have a quiet space to write if I want to.
I began working on a story that I came up with over the last few days. It is a genre of writing that I have not personally explored but the challenge of it it feels right.
Arya and Asha came for a walk with me around the neighborhood later in the morning. I’m sure the dogs are confused because we are home during the day and when people come to visit us, we talk to them by hanging out our living room window. Why won’t these people who I know come inside and pet us?!?
I truthfully feel useless now that I am laid off. I can’t be too loud because Darcy is working at the dining room table and has numerous meetings a day. His office is in the basement and will move back down there once we are done painting. I don’t want to do anything too exciting that causes Calista loose focus from her school work, not that school work went well today by any means. She is grieving the loss of going to school every day, a place that she likes, and is full of familiar faces and routines. The kitchen table doesn’t even begin to compare to a classroom.
She told me that school was fine at the kitchen table before but now that school is “closed forever,” that it is all too hard. Working on assignments that her teacher puts out is important but honestly, meeting her where she is currently at and taking care of her mental health is what she needs. There is no sense fighting or forcing anything these days. It will only lead to frustration among us all and that is the last thing any of us needs.
We will take it morning by morning, afternoon by afternoon, and day by day. We huddled under a blanket for half an hour, laying quietly and chatting off and on. When she was ready to emerge, she said she wanted to work on her math. She flipped to fractions in her workbook and asked for help. I again felt useless. Math isn’t something I can fake my way through. She ended up doodling a duck at the bottom of the page.
Her music teacher scheduled a meeting for her class to join together online. I retired to my room but could still hear the sound of children practicing their devil whistles on the computer. I’m glad that she enjoyed music class with her friends.
Arya has been sensing tension all day and has been a little mess of a dog, shaking and cowering with ears so flat that she could be used as a level. She very much did not jive with the energy in the house today.
I hit my end by 3:30 and closed my eyes to hopefully wake the next day and see that this has all just been a bad dream.