Taking care of myself

I have felt like crying and screaming the last few days. I’ve screamed but not cried. I tried to cry in the shower at the pool.

A child’s high-pitched whines while getting their hair washed distracted me and I forgot for a moment what I was doing.

I turned the shower off and dried myself. I put my yoga clothes on and went to class. I’m 20 minutes early and laying here writing.

My husband encouraged me to go to yoga and use the hot tub before class. My muscles have ached for the last couple of days.

I floated in the ice cold pool after spending time in the hot tub. The cold water was rejuvenating. I laid on my back with my ears in the water, listening to the sound of water and feeling its touch on my skin. Peace.

I got hit in the face with a ball and splashed by children. Isn’t that life though? Balls always hitting me in the face. Life throwing heavy bowling balls, bouncy balls I can’t seem to catch, tennis balls whizzing past, a t-ball on a stand I keep missing, a volleyball spike hitting me in the face, and of course, lots of colourful happy beach balls. So many balls in the air.

I moved to the wall, away from their play. I slowly moved my arms and legs, feeling the resistance of the water. I floated on the top of the water, with my face in the water, holding my breath. I watched the time tick forward on the clock as I swayed my body around. I had no idea what I was doing but I was doing something.

My mental health has not been the greatest lately. I find myself sleeping late and going to bed early. My body aches. My mind unfocused, unmotivated. I felt numb yesterday.

I want to cry but the tears just won’t come. So now I lay here, waiting for yoga to start with my cold wet hair from the pool. I need more yoga in my life. It’s the stretch, the breath, the movement, and mindfulness.

It has been a while since I made time for my yoga practice. I have an entire room for myself at home, devoted to reading and yoga and yet I hardly use it.

On days when my mental health is poor, instead of retreating to my bed with the cocoon of my duvet, I really should go to my room devoted to self-care. Even if I just sit in the comfy, plush chair. Hiding away in my bedroom is a negative coping mechanism that does me no good.

Here’s to hoping tomorrow is better.

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