The feeling of nothing

I woke up this morning feeling nothing and feeling done. I wanted to stay in bed and I pushed it until the very last minute as I tend to do when I wake up feeling empty. I went to bed early last night at 7pm and my eyes closed well before my husband was done putting our daughter to sleep. I wasn’t tired and I wasn’t awake. I felt nothing and just wanted to be alone.

I took my medication yesterday and I took it again this morning. Did I forget to take it on other days? I don’t think so but I don’t know for sure. As strange as it sounds and as important as I know it is, I rarely think about taking my medication and will go a couple of days before I remember. “Oh yeah, I need to take my happy-pills!” I periodically set an alarm but like most things, I tend to be inconsistent.

I told my husband how I was feeling and he said the mood I was describing is how I am when I don’t take my medication regularly. He often fills up my pill box but hasn’t lately. I am more than capable of filling up my own pill box and have done it many times. I depend too much on him sometimes for something that is my responsibility.

My daughter bounced around and told me that our herb garden had blown over during the night in the rain. I didn’t move. I heard her trying to make herself breakfast and I hollered for her to wait for me. I didn’t move. I eventually made eye contact with my little dog and asked, “what do you want?” She just stared at me and I stared back at her. Then she barked at me! “The world needs you, get the fuck up human!”

And so I did.

I knew that I would be cutting it close to make it out the door and to work on time but I couldn’t leave the herb garden in the state that it was so I went outside to clean it up. I lost track of time as I dug in the mud and thoughtfully replanted my garden. I was as happy as a pig in mud. I wished to myself that I had gotten up earlier to take the time to drink coffee and dig in the mud.

I once again felt empty. And done. I didn’t feel sad or happy or angry or frustrated or content. I felt nothing and as if I was a useless shell of a being. I wished that I had sick time left to stay home and curl away in my bed and sleep. Sleep is where I don’t need to face the feeling of feeling nothing and sleep is where the time passes and I don’t need to be part of it.

I take my dogs out every morning before leaving for work and today had to be no different, otherwise there would be a mess to clean up when I came home. I saw baby geese goslings along the lake with their parents. I think male and female geese parent together. Anyways, it made me really happy. I watched my dogs frolic and do dog things, like the big one focused on the goslings now swimming with their parents.

Nature is so wonderful. I am so happy that I am surrounded by it everyday. It helps me when I can’t seem to do much more than drift.