I Have Depression

Tears poured out of my eyes while I sat at my desk. My computer monitor had multiple Excel sheets open and that was where my focus was supposed to be. My headspace was elsewhere. I knew there was a priority but I felt anxious, lost, overwhelmed, and distant. None of what I felt was related to the task in front of me. My body sat in my chair at work but my mind was elsewhere. But also nowhere at the same time.

I smiled through my pain and made small talk leading up to needing to present what was only half the work I was able to complete. I was sternly spoken to and disappointment filled the room.

I have depression. It is an invisible illness, except for the times when it is not, like when I don’t wash my hair for a week and I let myself go. My brain processes things differently and what are easy tasks on the surface are not necessarily easy for me.

There are days that I feel incomplete and I still have days where I cannot leave my bed. There are days when sadness isn’t enough to describe how I feel and there are days where I am numb and would give anything to feel something. Even sadness.

I am not weak and I am not lazy. I will not be made to feel shame or stigma for how I am. I am clinically depressed and I am doing my best.